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Retro Review Thanksgiving Edition: Custer’s Revenge



Mystique - 1982 - Atari 2600

Overview:

This Thanksgiving, I tried to think of a Retro Game that will rightfully represent the spirit of the holiday. So, how do you celebrate the eventual raping of the Native people of America? By playing an actual game about the raping of a Native American. What better way to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, then by playing Custer’s Revenge?*

*Please don’t answer that question, whatever you are thinking, you’re right, it’s a better way. 

Custer’s Revenge is an Adult game (though the idea of an “adult” playing this is a bit difficult) developed by Mystique, makers of other adult Atari titles Beat’Em & Eat’Em, and Bachelor Party. This game is not only regarded as one of the worst games of all time, but also one of the top 10 most racist games of all time by the UGO. 

 

Gameplay:

Not surprisingly, a game about raping an Native American woman against a cactus doesn’t have much depth to its gameplay. You are Custer (Yes, the naked man in a blue hat and pick neckerchief is Custer) and your goal is to, like I stated before, walk forward and repeatedly thrust your pixelated member into the naughty bits of a Native American lady. Now don’t think you can just go sexing your junk up all willy-nilly. As you play, arrows will randomly fall from the sky, threatening to cut your love making and your life short. The goal of the game is to thrust as much as possible, before all your horned up cowboys are defeated. 


Surprisingly enough, the game has some faults. The gameplay gets rather tedious fast, and because the arrows just randomly spawn, you will get a lot of cheap deaths. Humping for points isn’t exactly what I would call engaging gameplay, and with the entire game taking place on one small screen, and arrows constantly coming at you, you’ll spend most the time just walking back and forth avoiding projectiles, like some kind of perverted game of Helmet 

 

Conclusion:

This may come as a shock to you, but this game isn’t very good. Other than the intense racism, and rape, it’s just a poorly made game. It has absolutely no replay value, and just owning the cartridge will require you to sign a sex offenders list. This was part of a wave of games in the early days of gaming that relied on sex to sell an inferior product. The Atari 2600 alone had several of these terrible “adult” games that were often just rip offs of other titles, with the addition of pixelated genitals. Even now, we see many games that lack substance, and just rely on violence and/or sex to sell themselves. All media, be it film, books, or gaming, have examples of this. Though it may seem odd due to the graphic limitations of the time, sex even sold on the Atari….though I pray nobody was ever actually aroused while playing this. I’m not suggesting that a game about sex, or violence is always bad of course, but when it’s all you have going for you, you won’t get far. 

So, if you haven’t lost your appetites, enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone.

And if you are planing on actually playing Custer’s Revenge anytime soon, try not to do it while the families around. Though, if the kids catch you playing it, just follow the advice of the players guide, “If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing.” 

Happy Holidays

 

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